Emotional Intelligence in Marriage
When we marry we embark on a journey to learn balance in all things, starting, and ending with perception.
The Jewish peoples have an old saying that says when you marry you outgrow selfishness because life becomes bigger than “me and mine.” When a child is born an opening happens in the heart. An expansion. Not all marriages produce children but this sense that you are now different chambers within the same heart feeding one another is critical.
A fool will argue that you marry the wrong person, but can you be man or woman enough to embrace he whom life has gifted you? What we get in our marriage is a mirror to who we are. When we try to fix another we are a fool for self-love is all about taking responsibility for how we see. When we see flaws and lack in another it is a mirror of our own lack of self-appreciation. When we see beyond that, well, then life really becomes a dance. And a happy one.
Marriage really is the very crucible of the human journey. When we are wise to our needs we are not judging or blaming of another. We have come to self-love and a deep appreciation that goes beyond putting others down. That takes a lot of self-awareness…but when it flowers in an individual he or she comes to be aligned with their deepest needs and they confidently embrace their desires and live their dreams. They focus on hitting the target of their inspired goals and let go all deceptions that they are lacking in worth on any level.
“This is what you shall do; Love the earth and sun and the animals…argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body.”
To discern wisely the fruit of relationship one must be attentive to the core music within you. To be together wisely demands that one has plumbed the depths of solitude. Rainer Maria Rilke wrote: Make your ego porous. Will is of little importance, complaining is nothing, fame is nothing. Openness, patience, receptivity, solitude is everything. When we read “solitude” there, Rilke is not describing a solitary life, rather a happy one; an inner state that is not frightened nor perturbed, or, at least, can comfortably sit with that and, in sitting patiently enough, see through it. You can be in a crowd of millions, with endless agreeing and disagreeing, and not judge any of it, and still have that quality of stillness.
It is tempting to flick from flower to flower, to dig many shallow holes…but in relationship, true depth is born of confronting your fears and embracing the deep loving bonds that truly bind us. Marriage is the ultimate school for that. It’s just how nature intends things and, when clearly recognized. and wisely honored, we can’t help but bloom. We exist in relationship. To deny that is to deny our nature. To embrace it is to be in a state of union with ourselves.
Isaac Asimov wrote: Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in. Marriage IS a school. Like any school one can graduate or miss the mark. When we miss the mark our assumptions may be blinding us to the power hidden within the kernel of our experiences.
When you look upon yourself, or another, through the eyes of unconditional love, you are invited to take a journey into equity. Equity, today, is often associated with money, but the actual word just means ‘fairness.”
Marriage, it is not a love affair.
“Marriage is not a love affair. A love affair is a totally different thing. A marriage is a commitment to that which you are. That person is literally your other half. And you and the other are one. A love affair isn’t that. That is a relationship for pleasure, and when it gets to be unpleasurable, it’s off. But a marriage is a life commitment, and a life commitment means the prime concern of your life. If marriage is not the prime concern, you’re not married….The Puritans called marriage “the little church within the Church.” In marriage, every day you love, and every day you forgive. It is an ongoing sacrament – love and forgiveness…. Like the yin/yang symbol….Here I am, and here she is, and here we are. Now when I have to make a sacrifice, I’m not sacrificing to her, I’m sacrificing to the relationship. Resentment against the other one is wrongly placed. Life in in the relationship, that’s where your life now is. That’s what a marriage is – whereas, in a love affair, you have two lives in a more or less successful relationship to each other for a certain length of time, as long as it seems agreeable.” Joseph Campbell
Joy cannot be imitated. Shakespeare wrote “thou canst not be false to any man.”He was right. One can be false but only at great cost.Especially to oneself.
He wrote this too:
“Our revels now are ended. These our actors, As I foretold you, were all spirits, and Are melted into air, into thin air: And like the baseless fabric of this vision, The cloud-capp’d tow’rs, the gorgeous palaces, The solemn temples, the great globe itself, Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve, And, like this insubstantial pageant faded, Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff As dreams are made on; and our little life Is rounded with a sleep”.
It is spoken by the magician Prospero. He has just made a large group of spirits vanish, He reminds reminds his daughter and her fiancé that mortal life also ends quickly. So one must capitalise on the school. When one does, a very deep satisfaction follows. Divorce is rarely a solution. More a bandaid. The soul must have complete its education; fulfillment being the only medicine that can be said to cure. The cure is graduation from the school of fulfilled relationships.